Dear Diary, I Am A Daddyless Daughter
Dear Diary,I am a daddyless daughter.I used to always say if my dad died today, I wouldn’t cry. As a child, I imagined my favorite uncle walking me down the aisle on my wedding day because I was so sure my dad would never be invited to such a sacred event of mine.Deep down I know this can’t be my fault. I never asked to be here, but somehow here I am; fatherless. I’m tired of seeing my mom stress and struggle. So over hearing the serious arguments because this man can never pull his weight. Why doesn’t my dad want me? Why doesn’t he love me? Here I go crying myself to sleep again. Pillows drenched in tears. Cliché, right? But this was reality for me.Parents are imperfect people. I know this now. This was hard to grasp for so long though. But, the fact of the matter is the little girl in me longed for that relationship with my daddy, and he wasn’t there. I wanted daddy-daughter days, and memories of fun times spent with my dad just as much as the next little girl. I just wanted my daddy to be there for me, and I could never understand why he wasn’t. Eventually, I became numb and said forget him.I spent countless nights crying. No one would ever know it because I became such a hardened soul outwardly. I wasn’t letting anyone hurt me. I was gone hurt you first. Or curse you out. I was a wild card. But that was my defense mechanism.I can recall only one school event besides high school graduation that he made it to. And I remember it was Donuts for Dad. And I was excited because finally he would be there and I wouldn’t be singled out.Marching band competitions. No. First honors ceremonies. Didn’t make those either. I was an active member of Beta Club. National Honor Society. National Technical Honor Society. Air Force ROTC Kitty Hawk Air Society. & I just never felt like there was an effort made. But this was motivation for me to push through.In 7th grade, I had this super cute composition notebook covered in multi-colored hearts that I filled with my deepest secrets; all in pretty-colored gel pens. Many of those journal entries were about my dad. I vividly remember writing this real nasty letter to him in my journal; never intending to give it to him. That was just supposed to serve as way of release for me. But for one reason or another, I gave it to him. I can’t even count how many times I cursed him out as if he was just a random from school. Why respect someone who’s never done anything for me?THANK GOD, I LET THAT HURT GO! *inserts praise danceA close family member quoted scripture to me once, “honor thy mother and father.” As if she was suggesting that I should just get over it and honor a man that was never there. Girl, bye. Almost told her off. And I just couldn’t understand how she felt so comfortable to even fix her mouth and say that to me. Especially being that at the time I never felt like, for once, I was a priority for my dad. So, in my mind I felt she could’ve kept the Bible scriptures and really minded her own. That was pivotal for me because I knew she would never understand where I was coming from; and that just increased my dismay for others in regards to their opinions about my circumstances.My ability to trust and love, or to be receptive of when someone was genuinely wanting to love me was severely altered because of this.BUT GOD!I'm learning to love and allow myself to be loved again.I guess the point of this post is for me to finally acknowledge everything for what it was, and to finally be done with that chapter. Final chapter in the healing process from that.Daddy,I forgive you. I’m not mad anymore. I get it. Over the past couple of years, I can see a drastic improvement in our relationship. Often, you’re the easiest person to talk to when I’m dealing with something heavy. Always so reassuring that things will get better. I thank you for not being as present as you should have been because even still that shaped my outlook on life. That helped to mold me into the courageous young woman I am today. I thank you for making a conscious effort to be here now. I’m proud of the man you’re becoming. I’m rooting for you to be successful in every endeavor you set your heart out to do old man. Love you!Dear Diary, I am NOT a daddyless daughter. I say all of that to say this. For any of my ladies struggling because your earthly father couldn’t step up for whatever reason. Know this! You are worthy. Your worth never depreciated because of the duties your dad couldn't fulfill. You can be loved. You are enough, for being just you.You are a daughter of the one true king. (Galatians 3:26)You are loved. (Isaiah 43:3)You are worth more than rubies. (Proverbs 31:10)You are more than a conqueror. (Romans 8:37) & This too shall pass!Love ya'll beyond measure,Latressa