As Long As I Remember, You Exist
"When you're weak, I'll be strong. When you let go, I'll hold on. When you need to cry, I swear that I'll be there to dry your eyes. When you feel lost, scared to death. Like you can't take one more step. Just grab my hand, together we can do it. I'm gonna love you through it."
-Martina McBride
Letter to my Auntie Neat:When I first found out that you had cancer, my feelings were very mixed. I cried because, to be honest, I didn’t know how things would play out. I was angry: out of all people, why you? I was sad because I didn’t want you hurting. I couldn’t fathom you suffering. But I was hopeful, I knew you’d persevere. Somehow, I had an inkling of faith that everything would work out in your favor. My heart was just hoping that you’d come out of this, alive.Everything did work out in your favor though. Just differently, from my selfish expectations. I wasn’t the one in pain, so it was easy for me to want you still here. But you, my diva, were a fighter. Pushed through agony flowing through your body. Loss of appetite, severe stomach pains, and simply being stripped of some the very features that made you, you.I miss you with every fiber of my being. Your picture remains my background screen. I’m just now getting to a point where I can speak about you and not cry. But then there are those hard days, where school and life is kicking my butt, and I want to run away, and I wish I could come home to see you. You were a bright light through some dark days for me. I’m super thankful for that. Keep a watchful eye over me.Happy Birthday Auntie. Miss you much sweet thang!-Mena
You don’t realize how much the little things mattered until you don’t have them anymore. Her house was my safe zone; from my mom irritating me, from school. Weekends away from college were spent crashing on her couch, and raiding her fridge. I’d do anything to hear crunching in the middle of the night only to wake up and find her snacking on a family sized bag of Funyuns. Or to be annoyed cause you were awakened super early by her loud mouth hollering at somebody down the street from the porch. (There was no such thing as sleeping in at Auntie Neat’s house. You may as well get up as soon as you heard her feet hit the floor.) I would love to be able to sit outside in the heat picking greens with her (country girls do it best.) Just recently my roommate sprayed an air freshener that smelled EXACTLY like her house and it took everything in me not to cry. I’d been searching for that scent forever.I try to focus more on the good times but I’m often plagued by memories of rubbing her skin with lotion when she’d reached her weakest point. Memories of me coming home from school and walking into her house to find that her regular queen-sized bed had been replaced with a hospital bed. Memories of hospice care coming in to prepare us for the worst. Or changing her wig for her and finally seeing how much that terrible disease stripped of her. I remember all too well holding my younger cousins as we said our final goodbyes. & Spending our Christmas Eve and Day in the hospital. My diva left me on Christmas Day, but I always say Heaven gained the most precious gift. Didn’t think I would ever have another joyful Christmas. I found that joy again.I graduate with my B.A. in Psychology in May. And sometimes, the only thing pushing me through is knowing she’s somewhere watching over me rootin’ for me all the way. I applied to graduate the other day and I had to shed some tears. As I submitted my application, I was reminded of the day I graduated high school. Auntie Neat was unable to make it due to her illness. But when I showed up to her house in my cap and gown afterwards, she beamed with pride. I desperately wanted a photo with her because parts of me knew her fight could end at any moment. I wanted just that simple memory of her. But see, cancer strips people of their ability to feel beautiful. And I know, just as bad as I wanted a photo, she would have loved to take one with me had she felt like herself. I didn’t get a photo that day. But I’ll forever remember.Auntie, I made it another 3 years doing this school thing with your spirit guiding me every step of the way. I’ll continue fighting, pushing, studying, and slick procrastinating until I make it to the finish line all for you. As long as I remember, you exist. For those of you coping with the loss of a loved one, time doesn’t heal all wounds. That’s a wound that never goes away. You just find what works for you. Remember the good times. Allow yourself to feel. Surrounding myself with the love of friends and family helped me. Heal in your own time, however; in whatever way is most effective for you. Cry if you must. Pray. Run. Write. Idk. Do whatever works for you. Just get through it because that loved one would want you to.With Love,Latressa