Dear Diary, I'm Scared of Lonely
“I’m scared of lonely. And I’m scared of being the only shadow I see along the wall. And I’m scared the only heartbeat I’ll hear beating is my own. And I’m scared of being alone.” -Beyoncé
Dear Diary, I’m scared of lonely. What if I never find the right one for me? I know I’ve barely scratched the surface of my 20-somethings. Why worry about it? I have my whole life to live, huh? But I’m scared of lonely. Scared I’ll never find someone to love me. Scared I’ll never have cute dates, impromptu movie-nights, or sweet surprises; yeah, like the ones that make a lady feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I’m over living vicariously through my best friends. I’m always happy for them. But when will I ever have the opportunity of finding someone who cares about me as deeply as their significant others care about them. Petrified that God will never send me my perfect match. I joke about being the single, rich aunt all the time. But I’m fearful of never having companionship. I know I’m worthy. But there are still portions of me that internalize not having someone special to there being something wrong with me. Am I annoying? Do I love too hard? Was I too caring? Was I doing too much? Maybe it’s my attitude. I know I can go from 0 to 100 real quick. I know I’m a dime, that’s top of the line…but was I cute enough? Did the bonnet scare him away? I know it sounds foolish. But these issues I have carefully constructed inside my own mind keep me, hostage, in an anxious space, about my own future. And quite frankly, I’m tired. Relentless fear. Almost to the point where sometimes I worry whether I’d settle for less just for the satisfaction of having someone. Alone doesn’t mean lonely. Blah. Blah. Blah. This is true. But does that make things better? Nah. Someone who makes me laugh. And laughs at all my dramatic antics; my excessive clumsiness; and loves me in all of my “no-rhythm” but still think I can dance glory. And listens to me squeal my favorite songs terribly but still encourages the idea that I might have Whitney Houston-like vocals. I’m scared that I’ll never find a man that touches my very soul. Someone that’ll be ever so gentle with my heart. And stimulates my mind .And no, I don’t want to hear that God will place the perfect person in my life. Or that there’s someone for everybody. Yes, I’ve heard every scripture about a man finding a wife. Yes, I know how a woman shouldn’t be searching for a man. He’s supposed to find you. Does that soothe my ever-running mind? Not even a little bit. I desire to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I want to nurture and care for a man and be blessed to call him my husband. I desire to build a family, and enjoy watching a little mini-me grow, or maybe two or three. But will that ever happen to someone like me? Because somehow, at the end of the day; when it’s just me and all my overwhelming, terrifying thoughts I’m still scared of lonely. And it’s just so hard to believe that no matter how much of an amazing person I think I am; that there will ever be someone who desires a person like me.
Dear Diary, I’m scared of lonely…
Latressa ♥