Best Thing I Never Had
You ever received flowers and as time passes you neglect them until they wither away? Placed them in a nice vase and went on about your life not thinking to continue to nurture them. What once used to be a vibrant, velvety flower petals completely transformed. Now, dull and lifeless.
Well, that’s you: a sunflower, daisy, rose if you will. Letting that man drain the life out of you. With each text left on read, question left unanswered, lack of clarity on the status of that relationship the more lifeless you begin to feel. You notice that radiant, golden glow your skin used to have become lackluster. And you notice the loss of interest in things that once made you, you. You take it day by day just going through the motions. And you seem so far from who you have always known yourself to be at the very essence of your core.
For over a year now, I have given so much of myself. Sacrificed my peace, took blows to my self-esteem, and been a secret all for someone who is openly in love with his ex and never had any intentions to be more than what we are. That’s my reality. It’s a difficult reality to face, but reality, nevertheless. Boom, there it is.
Well, I don’t wanna give anymore. Lowkey don’t wanna feel anymore. It was all fun and games until it wasn’t. But through this all, there’s a lesson.
I let a lot of shit slide due to the comfortability in companionship. It was comforting knowing that I would get a good morning text daily, and FaceTime calls all day long, and constant check-ins. But that was all I got. Never a date, never photos together, never the decency/ respect to even meet in the daylight.
Not me, with a whole Psychology degree getting emotionally manipulated by a man with nothing but the nerve, the audacity. I’m supposed to know better. But GSU ain’t teach me how to apply this to my own life. Iyanla, please come fix it.
Now that I got that out of the way: can ya’ll please teach me how to get out of this entanglement?
“This man makes me wanna throw my pager out the window…tell T-Mobile to cut my phone off. Catch a flight so I can move. Cause I wanna be through, wanna be through.”
If you sang that to the tune of Bug-A-Boo, you a real one.
Truth be told, I deserve to be prioritized. I deserve to be seen. Heard. Protected. Loved. You too deserve to be wrapped in a love so deep you feel treasured and worthy.
I’m trying to get back to a point where I act like I know my worth. My dilemma is why the hell am I not moving like the Queen I say am. How many times do I have to learn the same lesson? How many times do I allow somebody to play in my face? How many times do I feel used and abused before I really value me? Do I crave love so bad that I will allow somebody to treat me like an option?
If you find yourself in a similar situation, I want you to know that you are supposed to be shining baby girl. & To the world you may be.
I know it probably looks like it on my end. But it’s the inside that matters. It’s those moments of sitting in my car after work, or the commute to work where the tears escape, and I find just enough strength to pull it altogether in the parking lot. Those moments in the shower. Those moments where I’m all alone with my thoughts. Bare. Vulnerable. I’m a living witness that you can fool everybody but yourself.
Sis, take your power back; whatever that may look like for you. Ain’t no way you worked that hard to overcome everything life threw at you to just let somebody suck the life right out of you.
My sister, I wish you a love not merely transactional. A love that doesn’t require you to do all the giving. A love that brings peace to your chaos. A partner who sees you, the depths of your soul and decides no matter what you’re worth it. A partner that respects you enough to never disrespect you intentionally. A partner that adds to you. The calm to your storm. A love beyond conditions. I wish you a love that doesn’t always feel like a losing battle.
More importantly, I wish you that same kind of love for yourself. So much self-love you can walk away from what doesn’t serve you. Self-worth so grand you can never let someone else diminish all that you are. I love you beautiful & it is my prayer that you can also dig deep and love you enough to not accept less than what you deserve.
