Dear Diary, I Went to Therapy...
Dear Diary,
I went to therapy.
It’d always been a plan of mine to go. I always knew it was necessary. Trying to recover from childhood “traumas” and the unexpected reality I sit in every day. And feeling wronged. And losing me. It was becoming more than what I could handle on my own. I couldn’t keep sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
It was beyond what I wanted to trouble my friends with. I needed to seek professional help.
Truthfully, more days than I’d like to admit lately have consisted of me sleeping on and off until about 5. From there I’ve been literally forcing myself to get up, clean, and pull everything together before my Grandma gets home from work. But inside drowning in my depression.
Watching more Netflix and Hulu than I’d like and feeling like I’ve lost my sense of purpose. Beating myself up, because “damn, I made the wrong decision to quit my job.” This sitting-at-home everyday mess ain’t me.
Other days I muster up enough energy to keep applying for jobs. Keep extending myself and keeping faith that this is just temporary. You know you have exhausted all options when you’re on hiring sites irritated because you’ve applied for everything. Only to get frustrated by all the no’s. Researching so many ways I could put my life back together to prove everybody wrong. Chile,I’m all researched out.
After preaching about how you can have Jesus in addition to a therapist and how mental health is so important I took the necessary steps to research providers in my insurance network and make an appointment. I made an appointment mid-March, but she didn’t have any openings until the very end of April. So, I spent another entire month with depression and anxiety, fear just eating away at me.
As I walked into that office, it was almost like the quote that’s been in my Instagram bio for years “The chaos within me found balance;” found true meaning. It felt like God had truly sent me there to find a sense of purpose again, and to work towards true healing. The office is a warm, inviting environment. I just felt relaxed and at peace. The wait was worth it.
I had a feeling unlike before leaving. One of release. Like I would finally be getting some sort of normality to the chaotic whirlwind going on in my mind. Therapy made me feel less crazy. Like the feelings and emotions,I was beginning to lose control over were not invalid. But there were better ways to work through them. And those emotions will not have control over my life.
It’s been a sigh of relief for me. I have someone [tangible](I know I can leave all my cares with God, but I needed someone in the physical) I can drop off all my baggage off too. It’s like I start talking and before I know it the hour is gone.
I’m in full-blown, ugly cry:
And in my mind, I could’ve sworn the session has only been going for about 20 minutes.
Therapy gives me hope. And when I speak to my therapist and she understands and reaffirms what I already know, I feel like I can go on. While, she affirms me of my right to feel the way I do. She calls me out on my mess too. I can appreciate that.
But what’s most important to me is that she helps me sort through my emotions, putting words with feelings I sometimes find difficult to describe, and just encourages me to be open-minded and view certain circumstances through different lenses.
If you’re struggling like me love, speak life…
Affirmations
I’m always victorious. I’m not fighting alone. I am a winner. -Jekaylyn Carr
Everything attached to me wins. -Jekaylyn Carr
“I’m unstoppable.I’m powered by the King and he won’t let me fall.” -Koryn Hawthorne
“God is close to the brokenhearted, and he heals those crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
“I declare in the name of Jesus that I will arise as a mighty woman of God from the depression and prostration in which circumstances have kept me – I will rise to a new life!” -Michelle McClain-Walters,The Esther Anointing p.
“I declare that I will not let difficult or traumatic events define and derail my destiny. I will not allow a spirit of bitterness,hurt, and unforgiveness rule my life. I refuse to have a victim’s mentality.”-Michelle McClain-Walters, The Esther Anointing p.18-19
Affirmations don’t eliminate problems but they do lift spirits, render hope for better, and motivate you to keep going.
Here’s my words of advice: Don’t be embarrassed about seeking help. I know financially it’s not feasible for everyone. With the way healthcare is set up in the US it may be kind of far-fetched to see a mental health provider when you can barely take care of preventive care. But research. Many psychologists, psychiatrists, and therapists/counselors do payments based on sliding scales [pay what you can afford] etc. Check to see if your insurance covers mental health services.
If you’re a college student, nine times out of ten, there is a counseling and testing center on your campus that offer free resources (well,technically you pay for them with tuition and fees). The center on my campus offered several free individual therapy sessions per year, group therapy sessions on different topics, courses about mindfulness techniques, a room with massage chairs, etc. to practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques. I wish I’d tried to take advantage of the counseling and testing services offered at my university before it was too late. Even if they can’t be of assistance, they should be able to refer you to external resources to get the help you need. Imagine having all these resources right across the street from your dorm and never utilizing them. I literally walked past this building every day and only used them once.I should slap my own self, lol. It’s 2019, we’re taking it to the next level with apps and all kinds of sources for you to keep that mental health intact.
Let’s be intentional in taking care of ourselves. Remember you can’t pour from an empty cup. You can’t allow jobs, people, life’s circumstances,just whatever to continue withdrawing from the bank of you without depositing the positivity, love, and care you need to keep running.
With Love,
Latressa ♥