What if I fall? My darling, what if you fly?
“What if I fall? Oh, my darling, what if you fly?”
Truth is. I have been afraid of failing and disappointing.My worst fear is being unsuccessful.
I place this insurmountable pressure on myself to have it altogether. Whew chile, I don’t necessarily know what I’m doing. But here I am just winging it and hoping that in some way through leaps and bounds I will reach a place of fulfillment. Not quite sure where life will lead me and that scares me. And I stress myself ALL THE WAY OUT about nothing really.
I have wonderful entrepreneurial ideas. I envision Wildflowers of Wisdom emerging from just the blog I merely dreamed of to a business or nonprofit organization, rather. I foresee me touching many lives and impacting the souls of even more through this brand. I imagine myself leveling up, re-branding, and developing mentorship programs, hosting annual conferences, and so much more. The problem is, I have been in my own way.
As I sat at a table with what was supposed to be a celebratory dinner for my brother graduating basic training, I felt attacked in the name of tough love. I felt so small. My family felt like the position I was working was not good enough. I was told “you didn’t go to school to be working at [said place].” “We don’t want you to become complacent.” In that moment, my accomplishments seemed devalued. All the generational curses your girl broke. I haven’t told many of them that this is how I felt but I’m gonna live in my truth on [this here] platform. *peep that country [this here]; got that from my Granny!
Self-doubt started to creep in. Just maybe they’re right. If they don’t think I’m doing enough then maybe I’m not. I already knew I hadn’t been operating at my fullest potential out of fear. But wow, someone else sees it too.
The idea was presented that I’d leave my job and move out-of-state where some family could guide me and help equip me with tools necessary to elevate to my next, seemingly better level of life. I’d be able to save some coins, network to find a position more suited for the field I went to school for. All great stuff, I won’t lie.
But something in my spirit has been unsettled. I know I didn’t make this decision from pure desire but more so due to feeling pressured. A few days ago, I decided I don’t want to do this. And I’m not.
When you have people of high-influence in your life, who have your best interest at heart, telling you what they feel. You don’t want to disappoint. I know their advice was coming from a place of love and well-meaning,but it did something to me. After consideration, I must live my life on my own accord. If I make mistakes, that’s all apart of human nature. Instead of focusing on me falling, what if I fly?
I have already placed myself in some less than ideal predicaments;especially making big decisions in my life based off advice given from others.But I know that I must trust God’s will for my life and to walk a path that I feel is best-fit. I can’t compromise my own happiness, and desires to please others.
Lately, I have just been holding on. There is something about just holding on: just riding the wave out. Trusting my process and embracing life as is: everything ain’t all good, but it’s not all bad.
After coming to this understanding, I have decided to no longer worry about falling. That’s bound to happen anyway. What matters is how I get up when I fall. I just may slip, that’s fine. May hit the ground hard,that’s cool too. But I’m gonna do my darn best to get up soaring every time.
Okay girl, 2019 didn’t start off on the best note. You didn’t hit the ground running in January. Turned around and missed the mark in February.Me too, sis! But March is our do-over. Let’s make a conscious effort to not be fixated on our failures anymore, but to focus on those successes that will send us into flight.